steve white DOES NOT EXIST

I've abandoned you, LiveJournal.

http://stevedoesnotexist.wordpress.com/

Everything in this very moment.

Everything in this moment feels so right. It is beyond any words can truly express. Especially not through my feeble way of explaining things. The closest I can get to describing it is by putting you in what seems to be a very similar situation.

Imagine yourself standing on a beautiful, grassy field (without the skin-eating pesticide rotting your feet.) The ground begins to sink and you cannot move. You stand there, very scared and very confused. The ground continues sinking until you're at least two stories beneath the top soil. The ground begins to break of in rock forms, allowing gravity to take them to the center of the earth. They're falling in your direction. Imagine everything you thought was so beautiful and freeing now collapsing on top of you. Everything you've loved for so long is now your enemy. But this moment becomes something different than what you expected. One millisecond in, you are panicking for your life; there is no hope. The next millisecond, you remember who God is and how much He truly loves you. You see the rocks being sucked toward your body, and you know--with no doubt in the world--that this is supposed to happen and you will survive. Not only will you survive, but you will be untouched. In this utterly impossible situation, you will somehow remain unscathed.

Your friends, your family, your coworkers, your acquaintances: they all see and they tell you (in the third millisecond) that you are doomed. "You've done yourself in! Build yourself a fort to protect you from those boulders!" There's no time, there's no way. "You've done it this time! There's no help for you." But you told me you trust the same God I do. You said we're all loved the same. You said there's nothing to worry about. "If only you had understood what we meant! God helps those who help themselves." But there is absolutely nothing I can do to resolve this! God lead me here. Am I supposed to blame the most perfect being? "God helps those who help themselves."

The rocks are falling.

Stephanie and I have to move by next Saturday. We can't afford to start our new apartment's electric because something happened and her roommate(s) from college didn't pay the final bill (according to TECO.) It would have been about $200 cheaper. You have to have electric to move in.

We were so close and, just like all good stories, another conflict arose. It just wouldn't be an interesting life, otherwise... if you think about it. What movie is good without the constant conflicts that arise? What game is fun if there isn't one last surprise resurrection of the evil you just destroyed? You think you've accomplished a great task and, suddenly, there's an even greater battle ahead. It just makes the victory sweeter.

We are going be stronger. The victory will be sweet and there will still be more to come. Bring it on.

This is how it's supposed to be.

It's finally come to the surface. I think I understand just a little bit more than I used to. If you spend your life determining what other people are doing right or wrong, you are not living a life of Christ. A Christian looks inward and changes the self. When the Christian looks at others, he/she sees opportunities to encourage and serve.

Basically, a lot of the keywords we hear but never practice. I want to pick you up and put you in a dark room, take away all that you are comfortable with, and convince how your pride and self-righteousness is evil and uncalled-for. But isn't my desire to do that the exact same evil?

So these words are for me just as much as they are for you.

God made you in His image. Obviously not physically, since God is spirit and invisible. So He made you loving, encouraging, joyful, peaceful, patient, not easily angered. You have let sin creep in and destroy the image God made you. Why do you sit alone, dying for the world to change? The only change you can do is in yourself. The rest of your job is to represent God: be loving, encouraging, patient, slow to anger, full of compassion, full of unmerited favor for others, forgiving, relentlessly faithful. Those traits will drive you to do exactly what the rest of the world needs to inspire change in themselves.

It is simple.

Stop feeling cheated by others. You're only cheating yourself.

Apparently I didn't have a job like I thought I did.

I am currently seeking a new one that pays a bunch or I'm gonna end up doing what I hate and continue with the dreaded Gamestop.

I'm trying to trust God. Curveballs shouldn't affect me like this, right?

Hi Livejournal!

It's been awhile. My life has changed in nearly every way within the past month. In fact, it changed exactly a month ago today! I know you miss me a lot, Ol' LJ, but I'm afraid my wife and I don't have access to the Internet at our home. It's okay, though... I've only really missed you slightly, because she is incredible and we've spent a lot of time with friends lately.

I supposedly have a new job, but the boss is too busy to ever call me back. Our money is in the negatives, and we have thousands of dollars we also owe to some doctors and hospitals. But, you know what Ol' LJ? God is good. God loves us. It's God's money. This is God's life and He will care for it as He chooses. God knows my need for food and roof, and He knows my wife's need for a husband who provides those needs for her.

Life is good, because God is good. I have overlooked this unavoidable fact. Life is good. I trust you, Lord.

 I'm gonna be married tomorrow.

Ding

“What if Jesus meant what He said would happen if we don’t forgive one another?”

Stephanie and I are realizing we may need to filter some invites to our wedding. At first we were wanting anyone to come, but the more I comprehend how sacred this thing is, the more I don't want some people there.

A wedding is a community acknowledging the union of two people. I believe this doesn't apply to people who aren't Christians because marriage was ordained by God, and if they don't care about God then why would they go through the same hassle except for the sake of tradition? They might as well say, "I'm committed to you, so you better hope I don't screw this up because I have no one with authority to judge my actions." I want people who aren't Christians to be there because I want them to see a community under God.

There is a very specific kind of person I am debating.

Since our wedding is a very communal thing... a community coming together... I'm thinking of those who claim they are Christians but are hindering the community from loving one another as God has loved us: Those who are openly refusing to forgive fellow Christians. Those who have grudges, those who will be there and will be avoiding another Christians. I don't want them at my wedding, because they are officially anti-Christ.  If they didn't claim to be Christians, then I wouldn't bother.

I'm understanding why my dad was so pissed about those who claim to be Christians and are living together in sin and ignoring it. It doesn't matter our intentions, because if God is against it, who are we to debate it?

If you hold a grudge against another Christian, you are doomed and in sin. You are weeds among beautiful flowers. You are the rotting fruit that turns the perfect ones sour.

I know it may seem harsh... but this is our wedding... this is the perfect symbol of Christ and the church... this is more important than hurting your feelings... you are taking part in the decay of the world. Right your wrong you're so willing to acknowledge.

5:9Blessed are the peacemakers,
      for they will be called sons of God.

 21"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.

 23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

6:14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

My job is depressing. It feels like the more I press against the wind and fight for my relationship with the Lord, the more I realize the pointlessness and perversion of so much of this life. Mind you, it isn't that I find video games repulsive now... I mean, I spent a good six hours within the past two days on Okami. Playing the games is not my issue. It's the marketing, and the selling, and the UPselling, and the obsession that consumes people. I know, I know that people are just as consumed in other things, but I see this specific form of gluttony face to face.

And it's hard.

I see people dying to escape. They're dying to live a different life. To be a hero, or to be powerful, or to be in control. Really, to be anything they are not. Or are to afraid to be.

And trust me, I am no exception to this!! Just playing the gorgeous Okami sets me free from so much worry. I am doing within the game exactly what I wish I were doing in life. In the game, you are the Japanese god, Ameratasu, and must travel the entire land that has been cursed by the demon Orochi. As you go you revive the land and bring life to everything. It's amazing and beautiful. You empower small, worthless nobodies to do amazing, powerful things. And you even bless the tiniest of animals.

The hero reminds me of the real God. The one whose name is I Am. He takes all the twisted, perverted, rotting things of this world and make them beautiful again, seething with life. He takes care of the smallest of animals, and empowers the nobodies to do incredible things.

I love Okami because of the unique, beautiful art-style. But mostly, I love this game because I love who God is. It excites me because God excites me. I just want to remain focused on Him, though. I keep turning away, distracted by darkness. Why am I distracted by darkness? I am a child of the light!

 I put my Space Alone entry up on my website. It takes forever to load since it's a 74mb movie, but I'm glad to finally have it accessible to those who might enjoy it.

www.stephenwhitemusic.com

 There once was a god who made a boy and a girl. The god brought them together. The boy seemed sad, so the god told him, "Don't be so sad. Have confidence in yourself because I made you who you are!" So the boy started becoming more confident. But the girl seemed sad, too. So the god told her, "Don't worry so much about life. I protect you; I keep you from harm!" So the girl became less worrisome. Finally, the god told the boy and girl that they should get married and become one in his eyes, because they needed each other to be a whole person. So the boy and the girl started making all sorts of plans. Even the boy's and girl's families and friends joined in the planning! There was so much planning that the boy and girl forgot all about the god. After a while, the boy became discouraged because no one was satisfied with any of the ideas that anyone came up with. The girl became stressed and worried because the family and friends insisted it had to be done all different kinds of ways (none of which she liked herself.) One day, the god stood in front of them with a frown and asked, "What are you doing? What is all this silly planning? When did I ever say all of this had to be done?" The boy and the girl exclaimed, "But everyone says that this is what we are supposed to do!" The god then gave a big ol' smirk and said, "My children. Since when have I ever cared about what people tell you? I gave you confidence despite the ways people tear you down. And I dissolved your worry despite all the pressures and stresses that others bring on you. My children, do away with all this nonsense and be married. I made you to love. Love can't survive in conditions like this." So the boy and the girl nodded their heads at each other and were married. The family and friends moaned, "But this is not how it's supposed to be done!" The boy and the girl looked at each other and laughed, "You silly people! Don't you see how ridiculous all of this is? What good is all this planning?" The family and friends grumbled and griped but eventually saw what the boy and girl were talking about. So the boy and girl continued their life as one. Although they didn't live happily ever after, the god stayed with them with gifts of confidence and peace. And they lived the way they were created to live.

THE END.

Thank you, Lord, for making Stephanie such a sight for sore eyes, inside and out.

Guts and all ;) 


On another note, it's no good asking advice about anything from people who clearly have no good experience with what you're inquiring about. And, talking to people who you know are going to agree with you only leads you to believe that you're always right. No one is always right. We tend to be pretty damn sinful, so it's stupid to think you can't be wrong.

On another other note, Stephanie and I will not be having a real wedding. We think it's a waste of God's money and a piece of entertainment for everyone to waste our time over. Basically, a waste. We're going to have a much more intimate time, maybe just us, maybe family included. Anyway, we'll probably have an after-party sometime or another which our friends will be invited to.

It's too bad people still actually think that pastors/ministers/reverends are higher up than others. I mean, I'd much rather a community of Christians marry us than acknowledge one person having more power than others. God is just as close to me as He is to the pope. That was a lot of Jesus' message. But whatever, the state insists and we want some freakin tax breaks, so it will be done. haha

Finally, a website that is me! Not me trying to be something I'm not!

www.stephenwhitemusic.com

I used to be a lot more into poetry. Especially old British poetry. Today, I picked up one of my books full of Coleridge poems. He wrote his own epitaph before he died.

Stop, Christian passer-by! -- Stop, child of God,
And read with gentle breast. Beneath this sod
A poet lies, or that which once seem'd he. --
O, lift one thought in prayer for S. T. C.;
That he who many a year with toil of breath
Found death in life, may here find life in death!
Mercy for praise -- to be forgiven for fame
He ask'd, and hoped, through Christ.
Do thou the same!


He asked forgiveness for fame. This is great! Lately, my mind has been wrapped around the idea of fame. I have been chasing it for years. I've desired it and labeled it "Music." Yeah, my love for music is a big part of it, but I've wanted more for people to cherish me because of it. Then there's God...

He says in gentle tones, "But I am the only one who deserves fame. I am the one who gives you music itself, the love for music, the understanding of music, the talent to play and write music. I give you the power to move, to breathe, to sing, to compose. What logic are you using when you say to yourself, 'I deserve to be known'?"

I don't deserve to be known. Forgive me, Lord. And forgive me, friends.

I don't know if it's always been like this, but it seems like we're in a time where everyone must be right. Everyone insists that what they said or did was not a mistake and was on purpose and they are more than willing to explain exactly why they are smart and able to get by without any help from any other source.

I have to hold my tongue when I'm corrected, either by friend or lover or coworker or parent. Not because I don't want to start something or make someone else feel dumb, but because I can't keep trying to be right. I can't keep lying to myself and others by excusing my mistakes even if I had the greatest of intentions.

Jesus said, "Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

My attempts to be perfect are fruitless and, in fact, hurtful to myself and, more importantly, those around me. It's a denial of the need for the community God has established. It's me saying I'm good enough by myself. It's a worm saying it can escape the bird. It's an infant saying he doesn't need his mother's love.

It's a sin against my Creator who has loved me, protected me, and never hurt me from the beginning.

Lord, forgive me for not seeing the unseen.

 Holy crap, life has gotten busy.